The Color of Love
I have not been able to get the last installment in the NBC's “African American Women: Where They Stand” series out of my mind. You know the one that dealt with black women in interracial relationships.
Search and you'll find dozens of websites out there by black women promoting and defending interracial marriages. They exist to encourage black women to exercise their option to broaden their dating and marriage pool. It’s an option black men have taken more often than black women.
My Lord, times have changed.
Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings. John Rolfe and Pocahontas. Frederick Douglas and his second wife Helen Pitts.
They were all guilty of breaking the law, the miscegenation law, that is; the law forbidding marriage, cohabitation, and sexual relations between people of mixed races.
Miscegenation.
Now there’s a term that’s racially charged enough to make folks leap across the tables at each other. Miscegenation. It even sounds nasty. Sounds like something you do with animals. Which is probably what those who used the word to oppose mixed marriages had in mind when they moved in 1661 to ban marriages between people of different races. "Interracial" has replaced the more controversial "miscegenation,” but race relations in this country see to it that the topic of relationships between black women and white men continue to inflame passions. The last of the miscegenation laws in this country were struck down just 40 years ago, in 1967, when the Supreme Court, in Loving vs. Virginia, ruled that Virginia’s miscegenation laws were unconstitutional
Snapshots of interracial couples like Alfre Woodard and Roderick Spencer, or Iman and David Bowie, or Janet Langhart and William Cohen make me grin with glee at the thought of a black woman getting the love she deserves. On the other hand, the picture of Mildred Jeter and Richard Loving, the interracial couple who ran off in 1958 to Washington, DC to marry and returned to their homestate of Virginia to build a family, leaves me with chills. How did they do it? The price for that kind of love in the 50s was higher than most of us would want to pay.
If asked my opinion fifteen years ago about black women dating white men I wouldn’t have hesitated to answer. And I didn’t need scripture to defend my position. Fear alone was enough to make me dig in my heels.
Fifteen years later, my position has softened. I just want to see black women loved. I’m just glad to know that my friends with white, latino, asian, and arab men who adore them are happy. I wish every black woman who wanted to be loved and revered by a black man would find that, but that’s not always possible. So, date who you will and love who loves you back, and move on. Falling in love with someone who shares your race and background does not keep you from being hurt.
Here’s what I know about falling in love. There’s no such thing.
Call me Cruella, but I do not believe that you can not help who you fall in love with. People do have sudden passionate attachments, which aren’t easily explained. But the attachment is usually based on fantasy, not anything or anyone that’s real. Falling in love, if you insist upon using that sort of language, is a decision. By that I mean, you love on the basis of who choose to be and who you choose to be with. Romantic love, the sort that leaves you in an altered state of consciousness where you are helpless, uncontrollably, overwhelmingly consumed with passion – gosh, can that sort of love be fun and enjoyable. Just as long as you don’t do something foolish like try to construct your life around it.
True love is work. Whether the two of you are black or from different races, love is something you're gonna have to work at cultivating. It finally makes sense to me why in some cultures people marry for more practical reasons, and trust true love and affection to kick in later after the tests and trials of committed union. The search for someone to build a life with is a search for someone who is willing to experiment with loving and living with you in ways, speaking heterosexually, he's never imagined, but ways he's eager to experiment with. You find him, you've found a good a thing. Regardless of his color, his nationality, his religion, or his background.
17 comments:
well, this is much to think about sister weems.
there are some great points that you have made here and history that some younger people may not know about.
i remember stories that my gma told me about my one of my grandfathers brothers, "who loved white women".
and it got him killed also.
one morning they found him floating in the pond on his family's property.
that is one of Many stories on this subject that i would hear them talk about.
while teaching, i would listen to many students who would come to me about the issues that arise when black and white date. i would tell which ever color it was talking to me, 'well, does he/she treat you well-with respect? the answer would be yes and the conversation would go that way.
in the end i would tell them, if you are happy be happy. and remember, you 2 are young, and this may not last past graduation because lives grow-but enjoy yourself while within the relationship.
of course the conversations also would be about the negatives they would experience from the other students/teachers of both races. i just told them to ig it and move on. you will see peoples true colors when something they really don't understand faces them in full force.
i have friends that are dating or married to a different race than they are. my thing is= Do You Love him/her? are you happy? then live your lives!
personally, i don't care what color a person is, i myself would be considered, 'light-bright'!
haha i still laugh when i think it or say it--but i'm a light-light brown- or the 'high-yella' color as the old folk say.
i don't know about marrying for conditions other than love/attraction, but i understand the cultures and your point on this.
i feel that if a black woman meets a person and a positive love is shared between the 2, who cares what anyone thinks. shoot i get slack by black women and have gotten it for many years and it has not slowed me down one bit. i get slack from whites for the same reasons-didn't stop me either. (my light skin & the texture of my hair seems to bother people-hummm :)
i'm about people loving and living their lives with someone that is good for them, loves them the way they need to be loved and rec' the same back.
though i'm not in a hetero- relationship, my partner and-(she's black-though i've explored other races)- i work together to raise the children, keep the home full of love and keep the positive growth flowing through the air as well as allowing the both of us to grow as we should-positivly.
to me, no matter what the outside looks like, what does the person have on the inside that is good for you-that is the main point. what are they bringing to the table.
good post topic,
Growing up in my southern town, I feel safe to say that "DAYLIGHT" black and white dating relationships were frowned upon. They weren't even considered and because of the racist climate I would have never considered them. I grew in my understanding of interracial relationships when I maintained a 2-year relationship with a brotha that was a product of one. I came to love the family and his mother.
I've come to accept and celebrate these relationships because there are some great men and women that have been a product of black and white relationships. And if those relationships weren't allowed to happen, these people (and their contributions) wouldn't even exist.
Dr. Weems, thanks for your thoughts on love and "falling in love." I always feel like an incredible scrooge, but I think the same thing. Love is a lot of work, and it's a lot more about mutual caring and respect than it is about attraction. Fortunately, my husband also thinkis that love is hard work, and so we both put a lot of effort into it! Again, thanks for the great topic.
Becca
Okay. I'm not as hard on interracial dating as I used to be. You know, a bi-racial niece will make you soften your stance a bit---I mean, she is so adorable, how can anyone object? However, I am still very hesitant to fully celebrate interracial dating--whether they are men or women. From my end, interracial dating doesn't always spell success in love. Besides the obvious cultural differences, there is also the standard relationship drama that could have a tremendous impact on sustaining the relationship--just as it does with our Black men. So, that leaves us with a question: if loving a White man is just as problematic as loving a Black man, then what's the point of the crossover?
With that much spouted statistic of the divorce rate varying between 40%-60%, it seems that America, in general, has a challenge of maintaining the sacredness of marriage. So, I wouldn't necessary prescribe 'going outside the race' as an option to secure love. In addition, suggesting that Black women need to 'broaden their options' is a sly way of working in conjunction with society to condemn our men. I won't have any part of that. Also, I have a different way of interpreting that because for a lot of Black women, broadening their options could be as simple as not expecting every man you meet to have the same credentials as you before even considering him as a prospect. I just find it peculiar that when the subject of interracial dating and Black women come up, it always has something to do with a successful Black woman needing to broaden her options as Black men just don't seem to be on 'her level'.
I guess I'm just a good old-fashioned 'race woman'. I want what's best for the community and I'm not exactly sure how the Black community can fix itself and function properly without the core unit of the Black family in place. By core unit, I mean a Black family with a Black woman and a Black man operating as husband and wife. For right now, that is of the utmost importance. We must first eradicate the strongholds that hold us captive.
No, you can't help who you grow to love. There are definitely outliers to this situation. There are Black people who literally just looked up and realized that the person that they love is of another ethnicity. But here is where I'm coming from---when it comes to Black women and interracial dating, I believe a lot, not all, of it is deliberate because Black women have bought into the 'no good black men' mantra that society, in general, has embraced. We must be very careful about that or else we (Black women) will become another vice to our men and aid in their societal and spiritual lynching.
As for me personally, I have actually mulled over the idea of interracial dating, but when I lined it up with my most heartfelt desires for myself and my people, I noticed that I loved Black men unconditionally. I can't allow statistics to change my view of wanting to walk hand in hand in this life with a beautiful Black man....
May I never be committed to a cause greater than love.
I just got a flash back of being in undergrad (HBCU) and holding court in the undergraduate library to discuss or argue the issue of brothers on campus dating white women from a nearby university and bringing them back to our campus as one of the greatest slaps in the face (yes, I should have been studying but things happen). But with the clarity and certainty of my 18 year old self I was convinced this was indeed a travesty. I was particularly incensed by the notion of some in the discussion that the women on our campus were more difficult or less appreciative of our own so some of them found it easier to just find someone who would stroke their ego and celebrate their wonderfulness. Needless to say no kind of studying got done that evening.
Outside of being outraged at the “I only date persons of another race” (which is another conversation) I don’t remember really thinking so much about whether I was open to date men of other races. But now as a single woman 18 years later I have begun to entertain the notion, along with how much younger I will go, how much older is too old for me, etc. Though I am not actively looking to be in a relationship at the moment, it is a conversation that I try to have with myself if no one else from time to time. Funny how life has away of asking different questions as time goes on.
As far as the "falling in love" piece...years of fairytales, soap operas, romance comedies and the like can have a way of altering our since of reality and blind us to the nitty gritty of what relationships really cost...work, sacrifice, patience...none of which I have to offer at the moment (smile) but I do think that one of the things that is helpful is to continue to have conversations where we are open and realistic (not pessimistic) about these very things and that we allow women in particular to ask themselves if this is really what they want at the moment or at all.
Some friends and I were talking last evening and one of the comments Dr. Weems made in a blog from some time ago entered into the conversation. It was about unconventional women wanting to live unconvential lives needing to be mindful of getting into relationships with conventional men. At this point, regardless of their race, I think I am most sensitive and concerned about that.
Sis. Rev. Weems,
Why did you have to go there? You certainly have a way of writing about things that many of us have been thinking for quite some time. :)
Like you, 10 to 15 year ago, I would have said "no way" to dating/marrying a Caucasian man. Now that I've 50, my opinion has also "softened." Perhaps it's because in the Black Nationalist/Pan-Africanist circles I am a part of, some of the brothers want a sister who is intelligent but not too politically active, not too politically outspoken, light skinned, long straight hair and a kente cloth mini skirt. What they say about public space being for men and private space (the home, the family, relationships, etc.) being for women is true for some people on a conscious or unconscious level. Funny thing is that for the last few years, I've noticed that some of my Caucasian male friends/colleagues find my intelligence, political organizing skills, nappy hair, brown skin and long African dresses hot and attractive. Who knew?
I love me some brothers, but I just refuse to pardon the sexism, patriarchy and conscious or unconscious attempts at controlling me. WE WON'T EVEN BEGIN TO TALK ABOUT THE VIOLENCE. Of course, there are non-African men who have some of the same issues. So perhaps I'll explore some other flavors. Let's see, Benjamin Bratt? My goodness! Ricky Martin? Love those hips! Michael DeLorenzo? Let's go to the beach!
Carlos Santana? Oye Como Va! Where's my guitar?
Jose Feliciano? "Come on baby light my fire!" :)
JIMMY SMITS? LORD, HAVE MERCY!
:) :) :)
'revmamaafika',
lololo
you have a great sense of humor! and a great way of 'seeing'.
lolololo
laughter is great for the soul!
The search for someone to build a life with is a search for someone who is willing to experiment with loving and living with you in ways, speaking heterosexually, he's never imagined, but ways he's eager to experiment with. You find him, you've found a good a thing. Regardless of his color, his nationality, his religion, or his background.
My reply:
Thanks, Rev. Weems, for putting it so beautifully!
"PioneerValleyWoman"
http://www.episcopalienne.blogspot.com
Okay not deep, and it has nothin' to do with spiritual or soulful realities but sure nough' that Benjamin Bratt is FINE! Talk about Awoman to that! Alright I'm back now. :)
grandmother to a child, the product of my son and a german-descent woman, almost ends the conversation for me. Imani is beautiful, as if her mother (and I don't mean just physically, although there is that). Love is work. Hard work. And relationship that lands in equal territory near impossible. in about 50 years the "color lines" will be so "Rebecca Walker" and "Tiger Woods" that "race" may be a moot point. What does my granddaughter mark on the little block ("black"? "White"? "Other"?). In this culture, at least now, she is and will be "black," in spite of her mother. One of my close friends calls herself "Halfrican" in honor of her Irish father and African American mother, but she self-identifies as "black" (almost "white" as she is in skin tone), and talks about "white people" as if her father isn't one sometimes. What does it mean to be a "race woman" these days, I wonder. And, as for love in all the right places, what if love for a woman is not "heterosexually speaking." In our communities we have no real, safe place for these sisters. The so called "sacred black family" is, after all, a myth. Black families have always had the "side family," the "outside children," the "my mama got 2 children, my daddy got 10" families. We have bought the lie sold by social conservatives and history reconstructionist about how blacks have done "family" through the years. Love, as such, has been boxed in, and our children and community suffer because the cadre of "extra" parents, aunties, uncles, sisters and brothers have been reduced to the mythical "nuclear family," which black people have for decades known is not healthy for our communities (honestly, I don't know how I got on this except this is where the blog took me). We've had propriety and common sense, including sometimes staying in so-called "loveless" marriages--by which we mean marriages where the passion didn't have the bed jumping and the sheets soaking--staying because it saved a few lives socially, emotionally, and economically. Okay, my ramblings all come to this (and please excuse me, ya'll for the ramblings): Love is colorless (to quote India Arie: "You're either a lover or a hater"), but that's not the point. We choose relationships for a thousand reasons, but I would be willing to bet that feeling appreciated, heard, seen, and taken seriously leads the way. Whoever provides that, well... oooh la la....
Okay. Love is work. hard work, and then it still is not forever. RJW, without evidence, I am sure you have read WOMANIST ETHICS AND THE CULTURAL PRODUCTION OF EVIL. While Emilie Townes does not focus specifically on inter-racial relations, there is sufficient info for a springboard discussion.
It should be a must read for all thinking women of faith.
Now, every black woman deserves to be loved. Who could not agree? To date, from slavery forward, it seems that the normative inter-racial relationships have been problematic for reasons attributed to the 'political economy of misery' as Townes puts it. Now, when I look at my little world and the inter-racial relationships I've witnessed, up-close and personal, the majority of them have appeared to be extremely unhealthy on multiple levels. So, without addressing the racial and other issues in our communities, we are suggesting that our women engaged in the most intimate of relationships with people who can't even approach them as equal, fairly, entitled, and other descriptors. That does not seem very loving or healthy to me and I refuse to suggest it to my 20 something year old daughter.
RJW, I don't know your reasons, but, one thing you and I have in common is falling in love with African diasporic men. Now, let me be the first to admit the cultural difference here can be just as difficut, but I believe there are sufficient "leavings' of our cultural heritage that we can more easily find common ground.
So, without addressing the racial and other issues in our communities, we are suggesting that our women engaged in the most intimate of relationships with people who can't even approach them as equal, fairly, entitled, and other descriptors.
The assumption here being that our men see black women as equals and evidence this historically and presently by treating them fairly, supportively and as worthy of and entitled to consideration? Surely a huge assumption, if you are keenly observing the reality of black women rather than depending on theoritical books for elucidation.
The unfortunate part is that a blog cannot adequately express full and complete thoughts, ideas of information. By no means did I or would I suggest that all (or maybe even most) black men's relationships or responses to black women are whole and healthy. What I attempted to elucidate (not only from theory, but from more than 50 years of living, working in and with black communities, churches and organizations) was one of the fundamental issues that has historically and currently manifested itself in inter-racial relationships i.e. entitlment and privelege that attemds the majority of inter-racial relationships. Because race and race related issues in America is so multi-layered, it seems to me to suggest that this is an option similiar to options with same/similar race men, is to set our young women and daughters up to face the same objectifying issues of their bodies and beings that have been historically given to black women's bodies and beings. If there is a minority of white and other men, who are whole and healthy, I would not object. I have not seen these white men, so please send me in the direction where they exist and I will do the further work of finding them.
...and then there's the Caribbean-American woman who married the French (born and raised) man...
I know, it sounds like the beginning of a joke. And coming from a family that would surely have been considered "interracial" in the US (we were "Jamaican" in Jamaica), I can honestly say that we have never talked about the racial difference--short of finding appropriate hair-products for me when we visit my in-laws. But then, my godmother (who has got to be close to 70 by now) is married to a white Englishman and lives in England (with 2 grown men-children and 1 grandchild whose mother is Japanese...). I knew my parents wouldn't object! He pretty much knew the same about his--except, of course, how I would go over as une americaine (I speak French; no sweat). Sitz im Leben, Renita.
Fact is, I'm not southern enough, not African American enough, not "black"--whatever that means--enough for most black men I've known (and been passionately attracted to), and I wouldn't have even considered dating my students...
So I, the child of teachers, married the child of teachers. I married another immigrant. I married an intellectual equal (he also has a Ph. D. and has been invaluable to me in my research). I married someone who makes my heart and face laugh on a regular basis, and who genuinely takes care of me (and I of him). Marriage is fun. Marriage is work. We are each other's heart, and I hope ever will be.
Oh yeah...and he's white...
Sis. Dr. Margaret,
I'm not mad at ya! Be happy!
. . . does he have a brother?
:) :)
I am a white man that grew up in a predominately black town in southern Virginia. I remember my high school being around 65% black 35% white. There really wasn't much cross-over dating back then (late 70s), but one thing I noticed was that on the 2 occasions that I can remember, the white person was rejected by the rest of the white population but both were accepted by the black population. I always thought this was telling. Just do to the shear number of black girls (2 to 1) vs white girls, I was always curious about cross-over dating, but was afraid to even go there. When I went away to college out west, I met a black girl and we started dating. She was actually a child of a cross-over marriage with a black man and a hispanic woman. She was beautiful and very kind. We didn't date that long as she ended up going back east to spend a year as a nanny. We eventually grew apart and went our separate ways.
I personally do not have a preference to color, but I certainly do understand some of the comments here about contributing to the problem by black women rejecting black men. I really do think there is something to that.
But if you think about it, if we all had cross-over relationships, eventually there would be one race and racism would cease to exist.
Pie in the sky, I know.
I love this blog. Mostly read, rarely comment.
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